Far From Refuge

Anyone there?

I have no idea if anyone will read this, stranger or not. I kind of hope not. Its been four years since I posted here and I am not even sure if anyone uses Blogspot anymore or if this is some sort of internet version of a ghost town, buried in weeds and dust. I didn't really want to go through the whole rigmarole of starting a new site and all that. Plus there is a history here, of which I almost deleted but ultimately kept for whatever reason. Posterity?

So its been four years. Four fucking years. A lot has happened. A lot of shit. Pretty much all shit. That's not true. Like 50% shit. That is more fair. I am going to use this as sort of a stream of consciousness/journal so if anyone is reading you have an idea. If anyone in my family is reading this, please don't comment or mention that you read this. I would be too embarrassed and it would ruin the authenticity if I decide to write more than this one post, which I hopefully will do. You are welcome to keep reading but I just don't want to know about it as I will think you think differently of me even though I know you don't. Not sure if that makes sense but whatever.

Anyway, a lot of shit has happened and 2015 really sucked. 2016 has been markedly better but I still get extremely depressed sometimes. I know she did me a favor by ending it, and even though I was relieved when she ended it, there is still a part of me that wants that life back. Not that I want her back per se, but that I want to try to relive it before it went sideways to see if I could save it. Most of me feels that I did my best to save it all, but there is still that small part of me...I want the house back. I want the happiness of being a newly wed couple with two dogs. I want that fucking linear life path that I strived for my entire life. I want the good times back.

This experience has forever changed me, as I suppose it should have. I sometimes have this irrational fear of dying young. I hear so many stories of people dying young, even close friends wives and family members. I often think, why not me? How have I dodged the bullet? Or have I? Will I make it past tomorrow? Or will I flip my car multiple times on the freeway? Or will I get a brain tumor? Are these the thoughts of a sane person? Do other people have these same thoughts and fears? I don't know. Its not really cocktail conversation so I don't really know if I am alone here. The only way I keep myself of having a panic attack is to just switch my mind over to something like music and try to not think about it.

This fear though, it has created a small fire inside me to see the world though. Not necessarily in a "travel the world" type way, although that would be cool, but just in a way of not wasting my life with bullshit work and bullshit activities. Or rather, non-activities like sitting on my ass and doing nothing. I want to go camping and hiking and back-packing. I want to take road trips and go overlanding in my 4Runner with Kingsley. I want to see the world. I want to experience the Earth. I want to experience....period. I don't want to look back in 30 or 40 years and say,"Well I had a good career. I'm so proud of all that I was able to accomplish professionally." Fuck work. I don't give a shit about it. I need it to pay for the things that I want to do and that is it. Nothing against those that find satisfaction in it, but I just don't. I want to work to live. Sometimes I feel like so many people work to pay for their cars and have their cars so they can get to work. As if it is some sort of awful wheel of misery. Its obviously more than that, but its all consumption. We work so we can consume. Do I need a 55" flatscreen? No, and I especially don't need the 42" in my bedroom. Not that its inherently evil, I just want my life to be more than that.

We all have to start somewhere I suppose, so I hope this is my beginning, or my recording of a beginning that began a couple months ago. More trips. More long weekends. More activity. More living. Its like a quote from one of my favorite movies. "Get busy living or get busy dying."

Force Fed the Familiar

It seems that no one these days has an original idea. This extends to many forms of media but I am specifically speaking about film. Every movie these days is either a sequel, prequel, reboot, redo, based on a comic, based on a book, based on a tv show, based on a board game (thats right, Battleship and Candyland are coming your way pretty soon), or some other rip off of a half assed existing idea.

Today I found out that there is going to be a movie based on the tv show Friday Night Lights. The insane thing is that the tv show is based off of an already existing movie, that was in turn based off of a book. So they want to make a movie that is based off of a tv show that is based off of a prior movie that is based off of a book, which is actually based on a true story. YIKES! Have we run out of ideas?

I took a gander earlier at what movies were currently playing in theaters. Here are a few of the titles that were out:

Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance - Both a sequel and based off of a comic book
Journey 2: Mysterious Island - Sequel
Underworld Awakening - Sequel
Alvin & the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked - Sequel and based on a cartoon
Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows - Sequel and based on a book
Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol - Sequel and based on a tv show
The Muppets - Sequel and based on a previous franchise
We Bought a Zoo - Based on a book
Hugo - Based on a book
War Horse -Based on a book and stage adaptation of the book
Girl with the Dragon Tattoo - Based on a book
Puss in Boots - Sequel/spinoff of Shrek
Happy Feet Two - Sequel

That is not all of them either. Those are just the ones that were on the first page and I knew off the top of my head were based on prior work. That is insane to me. I don't understand why there needs to be this extreme need for familiarity. Will the masses not go to see a movie unless it has a familiar name or character? Is that how movies like Land of the Lost get made? Disney even made an entire franchise based on a ride in their theme park. I maintain that were it not for Johnny Depp, Pirates of the Caribbean would be a colossal failure, not unlike Disney's other ride based movie The Haunted Mansion (starring Eddie Murphy).

Once again, there are movies coming out for Battleship and Candyland. WTF? Battleship. BATTLESHIP! There is a movie coming out for Battleship. I cannot believe that.

I think I'm Alone Now

I think I am the only one who is taking his significant other out for Valentines Day. Today at work I inquired of a few co-workers as to where they were taking their ladies and got a myriad of answers. My favorite answer came from Joe our CFO. "I don't celebrate Valentines Day with my wife. I set up a standard early in the relationship for her to not expect anything." Wow. He then tried to convince me to bring home a Frostie and some chicken nuggets for Ashley on Valentines Day in order to "reset the bar". I have no words to express how much I would not and could not do that. Other responses included not celebrating on V-Day, not really caring about V-Day, and something about not caring and being low maintenance (from a girl in the office). I then went to the interwebs and asked my friend on google chat about where he was taking his lady. I got roughly this reply,"We are buying a house and don't want to waste money." I see the validity of wanting save money but is $50-$100 going to break the bank? I guess if they are both down with that then to each there own.

I guess what I am getting at is that it is really confusing and surprising to me that not one person I asked said they had plans. I will admit that I do like to make Ashley happy and doing something for Valentines Day will ensure that happiness, but I don't feel like I am overly "whipped". Is it so weird to actually celebrate Valentines Day? Its beginning to feel that way. Regardless, I have a nice little night planned for February 14th. Its a secret though so ssshhh....

Three's Company

Big news! We have imported our beloved brother, Benji, all the way from Smalltown, Florida and he will be staying with us indefinitely. That means VERY tight quarters in our little one-bedroom apartment for the foreseeable future. It also means lots and lots of good times ahead. Its going to be a blast having him around and I am looking forward to all the fun things the three of us will be doing that I can blog about. I can't wait!

PLAY BALL!

It is here at last! "What is here?" you ask. The softball season opener is here. I feel like it has been years since I last played. In reality it has only been 2 months. Regardless, it has been too long and I am so excited to throw the spikes back on start swingin' the lumber again. Last season ended with a little disappointment as we finished in 2nd place. The fire has been stoked again and we are out for blood this season. After starting to miss the MLB season a bit the past week, softball season starting will fill that void for now. So here's to my brethren in arms, The MOOSEKNUCKLES, and us bringing home another championship this season.

This photo can only bring to mind a quote from Anchorman when they have the street fight. "You dirtbags have been in 3rd place for 7 years!"

Back from the Holiday Break

Time has gotten away from me, friends, and I apologize. It has been much to long since my last post. I suppose I have some excuses (i.e. Christmas, New Years, out of town), but I am back now. It was an interesting holiday season this year. The lady spent her first Christmas away from her family, which was difficult as one could imagine. We tried to make up for it by entrenching her with tons of MY family. In retrospect, not sure if that helped or hurt the situation. :) I kid. Christmas Eve was spent with my mom and LaMar in Yorba Linda, with a little twist , however, this year. We were joined by pretty much ALL of my mom's side of the family including my grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins(even our Navy Sailor John showed up), and our family jewel Aunt Margie. It has been a while since we have all gotten together during the holidays and I enjoyed seeing everyone.

On Christmas Day we got up early and went to my Mom's ward for church. It was great to see everyone there, especially some old friends I hadn't seen since high school. Ash and I brought all our unopened presents with us to my parent's place so we could all open everything together. I got two pairs of Tom's from my mom (red and black burlap) and a video game I had been wanting (Modern Warfare 3), but the real treat came from Ashley in the form of an AppleTV. My lady gets me, I tell ya. I hooked it up a a couple days after Christmas and am loving it. I will love it even more once we move and I set up my surround sound so I can listen to my iTunes music on good speakers. As for her, she got a new Marc Jacobs bag, new boots, and few a other nice trinkets.

New Years came and went without much of anything. We watched Gaga, LMFAO, and others rock(I use that term extremely loosely) NYC as well as the corpse of Dick Clark being controlled by strings. A quick kiss at midnight and off to bed. Sometimes it feels like we are so old we have kids in our 20's rather than actually being in our 20's ourselves.

As for the diet, it started off well, but soon got lost in all the hubbub of the holiday season and my trip to Denver(more on that in the next post). I am now proud to say that I am back on the wagon and am doing very well. My brother, Rex, suggested I keep my intake under 2000 calories a day, and that combined with a few cardio sessions a week would equal quick weight loss. I have decided to take the suggestion and am liking the process so far. In fact, my first day on the new program I only had 1500 calories. Weird huh? I guess that means I have room for a snack in the middle of the day like yogurt, fruit, or cottage cheese. Most importantly, it feels good to be back at it again. Nothing makes you feel more out of shape than being a mile above sea level.

Timeline Flashbacks

Facebook has now added the Timeline feature and it allows you to see your entire history with the site. Every post. Every status. Every tagged or uploaded picture. I started playing around with it tonight and was blown away by all the old memories. Most notably, I saw a lot of posts from or related to an old friend, a best friend in fact. It has been a year and half since we had a falling out and I don't think I am over it yet. I still think of him and about the whole situation quite often. I thought I would be over it all by now, but for some reason it lingers with me. Seeing all these old posts and pictures on Facebook makes the memories that much more vivid, and ultimately floods my mind with emotion. Anger? Yeah a bit. Pain? Yes. Mostly though, I just miss our friendship.

The hard thing is that there is zero chance of reconciliation, if I even wanted it. Most of me screams against any such notion. There is no going back. What's done is done and can't be undone. There is, however, a sliver of me, a small part that wants my friend back. The interests and experiences I shared with this friend are pretty much exclusive. No one else can replace him. Now that he is gone, I almost feel like a small part of those experiences are gone too. Typing that out and reading it sounds weird, but I don't know how else to put it.

I can't help but to think it is really unfortunate the way things went down. When I say unfortunate, I mean downright shitty. Its weird to think that because of one experience that a 10 year friendship can be destroyed. What if things had gone down differently? Who knows? I don't. I have definitely thought about it enough. Its been a year and a half, and I still think about it constantly. If I am being perfectly honest (which is what we are supposed to be on our blog right?), I have had multiple dreams about a confrontation with him. When I say multiple I don't mean 2 or 3. Probably more around 20 to 30. The entire thing haunts my friggin dreams. Will I ever get over this? I hope so. My sleep depends on it. :)

For now, it is Christmas weekend and I am looking forward to the time spent around my family, friends, and most importantly, the lady. I hope everyone has a great holiday weekend and appreciates the family and friendships they do have.

P.S. Sorry for the quasi depressing post. I think it is just something I have been thinking about for a long time and needed to get out of my head and onto paper(screen).